therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
You can't special order awesome
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
