Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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