I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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