my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
