There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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