tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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