Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
