I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
