Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
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I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
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I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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