i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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