I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
