meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
