i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
