omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
