Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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