she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
