Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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