I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
50% drunk capacity currently
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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