Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
