the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize