Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
