no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My ass is underappreciated
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
