this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
