I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
