If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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