I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
