I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
