After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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