A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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