Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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