i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
