my soul wont recognize me after tonight
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
