theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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