let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
