he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
