I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
