So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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