I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
