True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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