I CAN MOONWALK!
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
