Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
