I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
