I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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