She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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