I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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