I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
