How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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