I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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