Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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