i think my mom watched the whole time
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
