Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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