ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
