I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
