apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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