i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
