I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
