just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
