I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
